January Blues

Right who’s got the January blues! Not me tonight anyway, something in my brain has got me in a positive mood so I’m sharing. You’re getting 3 blogs in 1 tonight (maybe I should start a subscription or even an onlyfans….perhaps not) as for whatever reason I decided not to post a couple of blogs (one i finished and one that was a negative mess) at the time I wrote them.

The reason I want to share them now though is mostly to highlight the grief process and how strange/fucked up it can be and may not make any sense to those who haven’t lost someone close to them. I wrote my holiday blog a little over 5 weeks after Rach passed and although everything was still raw it was a positive uplifting blog (perhaps why I felt uncomfortable sharing at that point) about our trip and my 2^nd home and family. Fast forward to the second blog, written in October (now 4 months on) and im in a darkish place and struggling to see any joy beyond my beautiful and incredible Indie.

The point I’m trying to make is that time doesn’t really heal, there’s no magic wand that makes life easier or ease the grief of losing a partner/best friend or anyone for that matter but rather you learn to cope a bit better, maybe work out your own way (or helped by the shrinks) to navigate forward but believe you me it still hurts now as much as it did back in June. Some mornings it takes all the strength to just get out of bed, other days I’ve felt perfectly fine walking the dog and then broke down behind the door as soon as it’s been shut behind me. Today I dropped Indie at school, drove to Starbucks (other coffee retailers are available……just shitter), got my Pistachio Velvet latte (yes I’m that guy) and proceeded to cry the entire journey home listening to soppy music.

I’m not afraid to say it but it also doesn’t define me or make me want to stop going on and trying to be positive because there’s been plenty of good days too. I’m blessed with an incredible group of friends and family and they have all been nothing short of wonderful, I’m also blessed to have the most amazing little girl by my side who has no idea how much like her mummy she actually is, it keeps me going every single day.

Anyway below are the 2 archive blogs, these just my ramblings but if they can help anyone (even me) then it’s worth it. Peace and Love!

Holiday Blog

January 2014, Melbourne Airport, sat waiting around for the princess (aka Rob Barron) to do his last tourist shopping of the trip and me, 30 years of age, crying to myself wondering where and what life consisted of as we prepared for the 24 hour flight back to Gibraltar and life as I knew it . A seminal moment in my life, one I often look back on, maybe not with fondness but one I know shaped alot of what has become my life since.

It was at this point I knew that I didn’t want to live in Gibraltar anymore, a place i loved and I’d called home for the previous 9 years but a place that I no longer saw as my future.

Why am I even telling this story, is it even interesting (probably not) but I knew then I wanted a family and I craved a wife/partner to take on life with, to experience all that life has to offer and ultimately to become a dad and try and become a better person. I just couldn’t envisage this happening where I was so made the arduous decision to move back home (Cheshire darling…….then Chapel).

We’re now 10 years on and not even Steven Spielberg could have written how life would have turned out since. This isn’t a sob story/why always me Balotelli episode but I’m best trying to explain what the millions of thoughts I have scrambling my brain each waking moment actually mean or don’t mean, I don’t fucking know!

The reason for the post/blog is that I’ve spent the last few days back in Spain/Gibraltar (don’t mention the border queues, or any politics for that matter), a place which will forever be ingrained in my heart but a place which Rach and now Indie feel the same affinity to, that I  always have. 

22 years of age, I took the gamble (doesn’t sound like me) and it’s the best decision I ever made. Sat at dinner today with my people, my second family, the people that shaped a huge part of my life so far and the people that Indie now considers family just like I always have. Can’t even describe how amazing that feeling is, knowing you’re so far away from everyday life and family but that you’re not, because you have a second home and a group of amazing people that will always be there too.

I’m actually blessed, and so is Indie to have all this, and I know Rach would concur (even if she’d be slating me for this highly emotional bullshit)!

So, to the friends that have made this last week so memorable, a wholehearted thankyou. We love you X

**** Disclaimer – written after 10 pints at The Lounge with all mentioned above loved ones (best restaurant in all of Gibraltar)****

Negative Nelly Blog

Sunday 13^th October, 9.45pm and I’m struggling to keep my eyes open watching the Grand Prix Darts final. Shattered after another great weekend with Indie jam packed with activities (Park, gymnastics, swimming, pumpkin picking, 3 playdates) and ready for a glorious night’s sleep. Fast forward another 3 hours and I’m still wide awake, mind racing with a million different thoughts on life over the coming days/weeks/months/years.

The old adage as Grandad Phil keeps reminding me is “a day at a time” or sometimes even a step at a time but finding it increasingly difficult to abide by it. I guess I always thought that as long as Indie was OK, that I’d be ok and life would kind of sort itself out (obviously it will at some point I guess) but whilst Indie just saunters through like the absolute superstar that she is, I’m really trailing in the wake, more lost than ever.

I’ve tried to stay busy and keep moving forward , been sociable, been independent when i needed to, spoke to counsellors, friends, family and some amazing people who have similar stories but ultimately it’s me that’s got to try and figure this out, maybe verbalising this will help or maybe that old adage of a day at a time may actually come to fruition.

Social media was full of amazing images last week of the lit up skies of the Northern Lights but I found myself looking at them all and just feeling grey, it’s just too difficult to see past the grey at the moment and whilst fleeting moments (mainly Indie) have offered light relief there’s not really much to look forward to at the moment…………..

A week later

OK so I stopped typing at this point above as I didn’t feel happy with what I was writing even though it’s heartfelt and truthful. The problem is this isn’t necessarily what I want to project about myself, no matter how truthful, I know it’s ok to be sad and upset (believe me there’s been plenty of it) but life/grief is more complex than  that and I truly believe that I/we have to be brave (whilst being open) and try to keep moving forward.