“Things of Quality have no fear of time”

I found writing this piece quite difficult. Not because my brain resembles Henry’s goldfish, Bubbles right now, or because the subject isn’t one most have to think about on a regular basis, but no, its because chemo has made my fingertips that sensitive and painful, that I physically am struggling to write, like what even is that! It’s apparently called neuropathy and it’s a term for nerve damage or impairment. It can cause tingling, weakness, pain, and loss of balance, mainly in your hands & feet. My symptoms now are just tingling in my fingers, the often-little finger cramp (haha) and some pain but that’s more because they are just so sensitive. It honestly is the strangest feeling. The mind-blowing thought that this extremely toxic drug that’s going through my body can do something so specific like hurt my fingertips but possibly not kill my cancer cells, is a question in my mind that I will never quite get my head around.

But obviously I’m a heroic figure in our society so I will crack on to make my fans happy (haha!). But yeah, the subject of ‘quality over quantity’ is just something that’s been on the forefront of my mind and a conscious element when discussing my treatment plan with my oncologist in the past couple weeks… AND NO this does not in any way mean I am withdrawing from treatment or ‘giving up’, its just something as a cancer patient, especially with a young family and a lot of life left to ‘live’ that you need to think about.

(Since my last blog, I have received 3 more doses of chemo. The first one, I very unluckily got gastroenteritis 4 days after receiving a double dose and ended up with a nice 24 hours stay in Christies on antibiotics and fluids etc to try stop the continuous waterfall that was coming out my arse. At one point I was tempted to ask my dad for a cork to shove up there from one of his nice reds from the weekend, however I don’t think it would have fit my delicate hole (too much?? Jesus, I don’t know my boundaries at the moment).

But any who, moving slightly on and attempting to keep on task (come on brain, you can do this!!). So, I asked my oncologist whether I could defer one of my cycles. My family were going to Scotland over half term with the kiddies and I was so desperately in need of some nice ‘family time’ and some time away from hospitals and sleeping on the sofa. I thought the sea ‘fresh’ air would do my soul and my body a world of good. I went to clinic and explained this to Mr Doc. He was slightly apprehensive about this. Deferring treatment is never easy. It opens up a whole can of worms like “what if missing this cycle, makes the sods grow”, “what if it changes up side effects” …however, it ultimately is MY decision & I CHOSE quality over quantity. I have NO IDEA at this stage whether this chemo is working (I have upcoming scans), yet I knew for my own sanity and mental health that I needed to choose spending quality time with my family and making memories over the possibility of prolonging my life by what, a couple weeks maybe? I OBVIOUSLY would do ANYTHING to spend a lifetime with my family, yet those 6 days in Scotland (although previous chemo side effects had me snoozing a lot), were just what I needed.

So yeah, RC is still very much on the chemo train, trying to wing life with a 4 year old, a nearly 40 year old (Sorry Mr Coram, had to get that one in there, you old bugga), a very tiring pup, pretty weird side effects from treatment & attempting to get a good balance of life. However, is there ever really such thing as a good balance in life? Or are we all truly winging it day by day?

Love the bald lady in the back seats x

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